This posts originated from an old prompt I found awhile ago with the question: “Who did you idolize as a teenager?”
I do not easily recall things from the past due to poor memory – likely caused by early-aged head trauma. For example, I know I had an overnight hospital stay involving an infection. I’ve always thought it was a bladder infection until my mother told me it was kidney related. Did I have an ear infection too? And surgery?
Ugh, I don’t know. Something happened! Just like that school trip to Chicago by train. It’s not in my head, don’t worry!
Back to the question, having crushes and idols as a teenager is quite normal. Our bodies are growing and maturing after all. Apparently it’s also normal for girls to be playing dolls and boys to be playing video games. Girls had tea parties and boys rough housed with one another. I used to be a tomboy as a child where the only “girly” thing I ever did was have dolls. Other than that I spent more time with my brothers and their friends.
In high school I became more “feminine” and began actually caring about appearance, not even willing to get dirty anymore. This was the age girls started blushing over guys or perhaps fantasizing over celebrities. Maybe even obsessing over such concepts. Or so I see when I read Young Adult novels. That’s the only connection I have to my inner teenager.
I had one or two small crush in high school, and I don’t quite remember if I actually looked at boys much like the girls in YA novels do. They seem to describe their face shapes and chiseled bodies like a fine statue. None of that mattered much to me. Just their mysteriously looking nature or nerdy personality.
There was only one celebrity I liked: Orlando Bloom. Maybe it was his roles as an Elf or a blacksmith’s apprentice – both very cool. I even had posters tacked to my walls. I guess you could say I like Seth Green as well. I even sent him a letter once.
Here’s a confession: I also liked Mariah Carey and found her very attractive.
There, I said it.
Although I felt like a freak looking at girls the same way I would boys early on, it seemed so natural. It was a part of my very being. Yes, I tried to deny it. I thought I would go to Hell for sure. Normal girls don’t look at other girls. For a long time I hid this part of myself, never allowing it to manifest itself until my late teens when I stopped the internal denial. I embraced the concept of liking girls as well as boys. Even if I would never find a girlfriend. I manifest this side through my writings. Nowadays my leading females are often either lesbians or bisexuals.
Soon I found that I thought fictional male characters were better than real life ones. Perhaps it was a side effect of my rape? Though it is quite fun to oogle fictional characters regardless. It’s common in fandoms. Nothing new, let’s move on!
The only celebrity – if you can call him that – I fangirl over is Gideon Emery. Perhaps it is due to his roles in video games and how those characters are generally likable, or elves.
That’s got to be it.